I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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