Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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