As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
