1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
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I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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