A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
