is your mom at the bar?
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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