Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Randomize
