my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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