I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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