does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
