My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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