Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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