He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
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