I want to have your abortion
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
