Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
