he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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