it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor