I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
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My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
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this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.