Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
