Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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