I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
