Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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