we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
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i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
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Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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