wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
