Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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