you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
