im having a threesome with these popsicles
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
