The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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