dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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