he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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