we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
