I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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