i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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