i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
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My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
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This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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