Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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