Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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