I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
