I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
