The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
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I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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