I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
