I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
