Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize