new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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