End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
