Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
