I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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