Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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