We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I said "one day" and that day is not today
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
