The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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