He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
