Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
