im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
