ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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