took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
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Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
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I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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