I wish I could teleport
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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