speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
