My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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