can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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