Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just threw up on my dentist
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My vagina is officially offended.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
