It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
